January 26, 2018“My fellow Americans…As your very handsome and capable President, I hereby have some groundbreaking news to share with you this beautiful and blessed morning.
Play the music, will you, darling,” he said as a tall skinny blonde in faux Fendi pointed a remote control to the corner of the room behind him, and Beethoven’s Piano Sonata No.14 in C-Sharp Minor ensued.
“Last night, for reasons beyond our greatest and educated minds, extraterrestrials chose the White House to make their first contact with the human race. It is no surprise they chose here, since America is the greatest goddamned country in the world, pardon my French, but hell, I’d land here too. I mean, c’mon, folks…the House is White, for crying out loud. Now, they have travelled all this way, for eons, they claim, to provide us with a very special gift. I know I am live at the moment. So, all of you in your automobiles, I implore you, please pull over safely and continue to keep watching this very important world-wide message—if you are watching this broadcast on a device of some kind. This gift may come as a real shocker to you folks at home, or wherever you may be. These Otherworldly fellows claimed that it would be devastating at first, due to our simple minds, but with decades, or centuries perhaps, we would understand the magnitude of this priceless gift. And the gift is this, my beloved Americans…and the rest of you out there in lesser countries:
I want you to, very slowly now, undo your trousers. And look inside, if you will. Go ahead, don’t be shy, this affects us all, now. There is no more need for shyness. Now, now, don’t panic! I said, don’t panic now.
As you can see, there ain’t nothing dooown there. They’ve made us smooth like Barbie dolls…how the hell we are supposed to operate, is beyond me. I don’t get it myself, don’t see how this is a gift, since I liked using it from time to time—provided my prescription dose was met. They did mention that we’d find a way to reproduce without the pipe work, soon enough. Too many people on this damn planet already, If you ask me.
I remember as a young man, and sometimes now, where I would dress well and exercise only for the approval of the opposite sex. My success was ultimately to have power which let to my pickings of the best women out there. I don’t know much about women, but maybe makeup sales will drop now, that you don’t need to attract a mate. And how the hell you gonna get anyone to spoon you now?Look at me, getting ahead of myself. What on earth are we gonna talk about now amongst each other—the weather?! Only time will tell, I suppose.
This is the President of the best gosh darn country in the world…signing off. And remember, folks, there is a big world out there, with lots of people and lots of places. Keep yourselves and each other safe. Have a blessed day.”
∞
